CHILDRENS CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES

CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES 2017 PART 3

MORE CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.....

More Christmas Cracker Jokes

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down.

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Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

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What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.

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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it.

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine

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Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

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Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

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What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

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How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
M.T.G.G.

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Coffee - Break Time

SHORT STORIES - It`s the way you read-em

Holiday email....

A couple going on holiday but the wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Captain:

A sea captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and are not discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

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Doctor...

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

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One stone...

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the important moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

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Always let your boss go first...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says:

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story : Always let your boss have the first say.

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One-liners : 2

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What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? : "Dam".

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Why did the Hedgehog cross the road? 

To see his Flat Mate.

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Why did the monkey put a piece of steak on his head? 

He thought he was a griller.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes? :  No eye deer.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

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What has four wheels and flies? :  A rubbish truck.

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When were vowels invented? : When u and I were born.

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What do you call a fairy that hasn't bathed in a year?  Stinkerbell

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When is it a good time to eat a window?

When it's jammed.

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it had no guts.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?  Holes all over Australia.

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What monster sits on the end of your finger?

The bogie man.

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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

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Why did the cow jump over the moon?

Because the farmer had cold hands.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? :  When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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How do you know if a restaurant has a clown as a chef? When the food tastes funny

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SOON BE CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

My Dad Said.....

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My dad cut his finger chopping cheese, but I think he may have a greater problem.

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My dad said did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

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My dad said I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

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My dad said what did daddy spider say to baby spider?

: You spend too much time on the web.

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My dad said the only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

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My dad said he doesn`t play soccer because he enjoys the sport. he`s just doing it for kicks.

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My dad said the cat has just been sick on the carpet, I don`t think it`s feline well.

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My dad said  a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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Picture Jokes....

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Short Stories (2)

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A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

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My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they d cut the rope and he d drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would yaw l tighten that noose a little bit?
I can’t swim!”

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A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah d be mighty grateful if n yoo d play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go.” “Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden. He turns to the biker, “And you, biker, What’s your last request?” “That you kill me first.”

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If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?

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Banana`s.....

Banana jokes or not!

My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!

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Two Irishmen

Two Irishmen had just won £5000,000 in a lottery.
Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them begging letters?
Sean replies,
we’ll just keep sending them.

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What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

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'I was going to give her a nasty look, but she already had one.'

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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts.

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If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

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Cat & Dogs Off the Internet (gifs)

Children`s Knock Knock Jokes......

Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Turnip.
Turnip who?
Turnip the volume, it's my favourite song!

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Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ice cream !
Ice cream who ?
Ice cream if you don't let me in !

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Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !

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Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Pudding!
Pudding who?
Pudding your shoes on before your trousers is a silly idea!

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ketchchup
Ketchchup who?
Kethchup to me and I will tell you.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me.

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Leek!
Leek who?
Leek father like son the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Closure!
Closure who?
Closure mouth while your eating.

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Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Sultan...
Sultan who?
Sultan pepper!

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin the matter with me, how about you?

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Omelette!
Omelette who?
Omelette smarter than I look.

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy cow jump over the moon?

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Egg!
Egg who?
Eggcited to meet you.


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More Stories.....

Blind Faith

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

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Magic Lamp

A man found a magic lamp on the beach. He rubbed it and out popped a genie, who gave the man three wishes.
The man wished for a million pounds, and poof! There was a million dollars.
Then he wished for a convertible car, and poof! There was a convertible.
And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... Poof! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."

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Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Good Advice

I did not know this…..

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

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