CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES 2017 PART 3

MORE CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES.....

More Christmas Cracker Jokes

What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin?
You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down.

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Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

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What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' Jammin
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts?
Hope you like Jammin too.

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How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a boogie in it.

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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine

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Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

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Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

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What did one angel say to the other?
Halo there!

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How do you spell hungry horse with four letters?
M.T.G.G.

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Coffee - Break Time

SHORT STORIES - It`s the way you read-em

Holiday email....

A couple going on holiday but the wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Captain:

A sea captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”
The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and are not discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.
The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

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Doctor...

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

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One stone...

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the important moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

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Always let your boss go first...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says:

"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!, says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!, says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:

"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story : Always let your boss have the first say.

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One-liners : 2

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What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? : "Dam".

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Why did the Hedgehog cross the road? 

To see his Flat Mate.

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Why did the monkey put a piece of steak on his head? 

He thought he was a griller.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes? :  No eye deer.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

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What has four wheels and flies? :  A rubbish truck.

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When were vowels invented? : When u and I were born.

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What do you call a fairy that hasn't bathed in a year?  Stinkerbell

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When is it a good time to eat a window?

When it's jammed.

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Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because it had no guts.

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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?  Holes all over Australia.

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What monster sits on the end of your finger?

The bogie man.

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How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

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Why did the cow jump over the moon?

Because the farmer had cold hands.

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What's the definition of mixed emotions? :  When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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How do you know if a restaurant has a clown as a chef? When the food tastes funny

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SOON BE CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKES

My Dad Said.....

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My dad cut his finger chopping cheese, but I think he may have a greater problem.

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My dad said did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

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My dad said I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

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My dad said what did daddy spider say to baby spider?

: You spend too much time on the web.

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My dad said the only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

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My dad said he doesn`t play soccer because he enjoys the sport. he`s just doing it for kicks.

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My dad said the cat has just been sick on the carpet, I don`t think it`s feline well.

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My dad said  a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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Picture Jokes....

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