“Everyone has a sense of humour. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy
“They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”
― Bob Monkhouse, Crying With Laughter: My Life Story
“Some jokes are less agreeable than others”
― Harriet Beecher Stowe, Uncle Tom's Cabin
“Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.”
― Criss Jami
“How do jokes work? The beginning of each good one challenges you to think... The second part of the joke announces that nobody wants you to think.”
― Kurt Vonnegut Jr.,
“I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.”
― Marilyn Monroe
STORY TIME
1)
From A Mother With Love
My Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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No Bull
2)
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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Hunting Flies
3)
A woman walked into the kitchen of her rented holiday cottage to find her husband stalking flies with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.
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4)
John bought a donkey from a farmer for £100 and the farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
But the next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' John replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘I can't do that, I've already spent it.’
John said, ‘OK then, just bring me the donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’ .
John said, 'I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said, ‘You can't raffle a dead donkey.’
John said ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with John and asked ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
John said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 apiece and made a profit of £898.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn't anyone complain?’
John said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’
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