TOMMY COOPER JOKES

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

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A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.

'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

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"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

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'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

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I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'

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I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.

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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

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I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

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How do you get out of prison?
Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...

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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".

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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.

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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.

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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"

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So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

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