Short Stories (2)

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A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.
Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?
Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!

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My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they d cut the rope and he d drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy’s head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, “Please! Would yaw l tighten that noose a little bit?
I can’t swim!”

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A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, “Ah shore do, wardn. Ah d be mighty grateful if n yoo d play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go.” “Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,” says the warden. He turns to the biker, “And you, biker, What’s your last request?” “That you kill me first.”

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If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?

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Banana`s.....

Banana jokes or not!

My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!

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Two Irishmen

Two Irishmen had just won £5000,000 in a lottery.
Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them begging letters?
Sean replies,
we’ll just keep sending them.

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What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!

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'I was going to give her a nasty look, but she already had one.'

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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? -- He got a little behind in his work!

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What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts.

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If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

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Cat & Dogs Off the Internet (gifs)

Children`s Knock Knock Jokes......

Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Turnip.
Turnip who?
Turnip the volume, it's my favourite song!

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Knock Knock
Who's there !
Ice cream !
Ice cream who ?
Ice cream if you don't let me in !

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Knock Knock
Who's there !
Banana !
Banana who ?
Banana split so ice creamed !

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Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Pudding!
Pudding who?
Pudding your shoes on before your trousers is a silly idea!

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Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ketchchup
Ketchchup who?
Kethchup to me and I will tell you.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Beets!
Beets who?
Beets me.

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Knock knock
Who's there?
Leek!
Leek who?
Leek father like son the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Closure!
Closure who?
Closure mouth while your eating.

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Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Sultan...
Sultan who?
Sultan pepper!

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Muffin!
Muffin who?
Muffin the matter with me, how about you?

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Omelette!
Omelette who?
Omelette smarter than I look.

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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy cow jump over the moon?

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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Egg!
Egg who?
Eggcited to meet you.


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More Stories.....

Blind Faith

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

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Magic Lamp

A man found a magic lamp on the beach. He rubbed it and out popped a genie, who gave the man three wishes.
The man wished for a million pounds, and poof! There was a million dollars.
Then he wished for a convertible car, and poof! There was a convertible.
And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... Poof! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair and adds a permanent wave."

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Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."

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Good Advice

I did not know this…..

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

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Even More Tommy Cooper Jokes.....

1)  I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

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2)  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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3)  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

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4)  Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

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5)  Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

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6)  Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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7)  A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

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8)  A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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9)  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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10) A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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11) Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

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One Liners....

1)  I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

2)  Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

3)  When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

4)  Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

5)  I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

6)  How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

7)  Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

8)  Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

9)  Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

10) I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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1)  I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato.

2)  Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.

3)  Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat.

4)  I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

5)  Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

6)  People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better.

7)  I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

8)  I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."

9)  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10)  Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.
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1)  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

2)  We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

3)  Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

4)  If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

5)  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6)  Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

7)  My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

8)  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

9)  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

10) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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JOKE ON JOKE

More Tommy Cooper Jokes

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel.

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So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load
of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

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"Cos it's strange, isn't it.
You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

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"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.
' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

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"I woke up the other night. I had one foot up here like this (pushing the flat of the hand under his chin), and the other up there like that; not like that (rotating his hand and back again), like that.

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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.
It came in at quarter past four.

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Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

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A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.'
Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou. But I think it's Colin.

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I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

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'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.

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So I said to the doctor. 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball. 'The doctor said 'Howzat?' I said, 'don't you start'.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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JOKE ON JOKE

TOMMY COOPER JOKES

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.

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A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

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A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

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A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.

'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.

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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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"Man went into a bar. He went 'Ouch'. It was an iron bar."

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"Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no (h)arm in it' "

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'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold. 'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

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I said, 'Not only that. 'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'

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I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice.

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.

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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to
Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on
telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

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I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

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How do you get out of prison?
Rub your hands together until they're sore, then use the saw to chop through the bars...

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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".

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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.

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Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and
a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well
the other day there was a fire at the factory that
makes them.

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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?"

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So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

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